Walking

Within me,
A million tiny deaths.
I watch from outside
As the massacre rages
With the sinister speed
Of a forest fire-
Turning my Eden
Into a pit of tar.

I wipe the sweat from my brow
And harness my fading strength
To scaffold a smile.
This cloak of
Practised happiness
Does well to contain
My unbridled catastrophe.

Why are you crying?
Are you gay?
So much more
Are suffering worse fates
And they are good people.

As if suffering
Were a competition
As if this
Were not a tragedy
But a punishment

Ultimately,
Deserved.

I smile-
Because it supresses my need
To gag.
I smile-
So that they think these are tears
Of joy.

They repurpose my memoirs
As a cautionary tale.
They had given my story an ending
When it had really only just begun.

Within me,
A million tiny deaths.
But as the deluge descends
Upon my charred paradise,
New shoots emerge.
Within me,
A million tiny births.

They grieve me
As I continue to walk the earth
My smile has worn out
And all they remember
Was the death of me-
A death that only happened
In their superficial minds.

They ceased to see me
When they saw the smoke
They refused to notice

I have turned into a world
Where death and life
Are merely two steps in the journey
Taken one after the other,
Over and over,
Moving me forward
Ever towards peace.

Monster

Every 2AM
I tuck you in with a morsel
Of poison.
Not enough to kill you,
But just enough
To keep me alive.

It puts you in a trance
As if you are somewhere else
Instead of inside me
Wreaking havoc
And ruining my defenses.

See, our story would have been
One for the books,
Except I didn’t even see you coming.
You just showed up
Probably snuck in with the many
Love affairs
I tried to stage with strangers.

Each one a twisted
Once-upon-a-time
That either ended with disaster
Or never even begun.

You sensed the void
That lay in my heart
And found your niche.
You built your tiny castle
With devastation
And rot.

You are here now.
And like many of my lovers
Who did nothing but destroy,
I welcome you with open arms.

I feel you
Spreading in me
Like the seed of a pervert-
Unyielding to shame or protest.
What an enthusiastic
Sadist you are.

I once believed
That sadists made masochists
By mere association.
I know now
That who I am
Doesn’t depend on
Who you’re trying to be.

So sleep,
Little monster,
You are not the death of me.
I am your master.
I am free.

Better

The best way to end a breakdown
Is with a faint second line.
The best way to start tomorrow
Is to know you’ll probably die.

I know it sounds cavalier
Or “brave”
If you’re being condescending.
But that is how that day went
That end was the beginning.

I want to tell you it gets better,
Better in time
You just got to keep at it
Move to that shit in time.
I want to tell you it gets better,
Better in time.
You just got to keep at it
Move to that shit in time.

You have a habit of hoarding.
Obsessed with holding on.
You’re no stranger to things falling apart–
A gallery of catastrophes in motion.

You decorate your life with tragedies
Because the jagged edges cling more.
You’re a kaleidoscope of broken pieces
More beautiful than anything before.

I want to tell you it gets better,
Better in time
You just got to keep at it
Move to that shit in time.
I want to tell you it gets better,
Better in time.
You just got to keep at it
Move to that shit in time.

Who’s afraid of dying
When the real horror is being alone?
What’s so terrible about being lonely
When you can’t take anyone when you’re gone?

You fooled yourself into thinking
That joy is something you can hold
When you realize it’s fleeting
That’s when life begins to unfold.

I want to tell you it gets better,
Better in time
You just got to keep at it
Move to that shit in time.
I want to tell you it gets better,
Better in time.
You just got to keep at it
Move to that shit in time.

Time goes by and you’ll find
That all that chasing is for nothing
You’ll make it out in your mind
That life isn’t about taking.

Time does not heal all wounds
It just latches on to pain so you don’t have to carry it along.
Days are miles that just keep moving.
And before you know it, this pain is so far away it’s gone.

I want to tell you it gets better,
Better in time
You just got to keep at it
Move to that shit in time.
I want to tell you it gets better,
Better in time.
But I know that that’s a lie.
Because “it” doesn’t get better
“You” do.
You’re gonna be better
Better in time.