Tag Archive: relationships


The Comeback


Sometimes I think I’ve gone too far

away from you

That I’m back where I started–

Right behind you.

If only your memory were a corpse

Buried in the ground,

And I never had a shovel

Or pick

Or spoon

Or hands-

Then there would be no nights like this.

 

But you’re a seed,

That turned into a tree

And you know how I just can’t

Resist the shade.

And you bore fruit

And I ate them all

And spat out the pits.

 

Maybe if I just kept still–

 

Maybe if I destroyed you–

 

Maybe if you just stopped mattering

And I stopped muttering

We start happening

And I stop hoping.

 

Then I’d see that the seed

Was a weed

And the fruits were all spiney.

 

That would be as far

Enough to get past you

So you can be where you need to–

Behind me.

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Resuscitation


Was it right over left or the other way around? He clutched one hand with the other over the unmoving chest— it doesn’t matter, just pump the shit out of it.

One, two, three, four… he should have paid more attention, but there’s no use arguing with himself about it now. Man, if this worked, he’d be a hero. If it didn’t—

Two days ago, in the toilet, he was just imagining this exact same scenario. If he did die, would he feel anything? Maybe regret. Maybe frustration that he didn’t feel the feelings one does in the situation. Definitely guilt.

Has he succeeded in completely numbing himself? Does that make him a terrible person? Less human? But, he shed a tear with that slightly forgettable advert, out of the blue. Why don’t the feelings ever come at the exact moment they’re supposed to?

He checks for a pulse, pinches his nails to check for circulation. Was it appropriate to say “hey, hey, are you okay?” It just seemed awkward.

How long has he been unconscious anyway? Not so he can gauge the chances of resuscitation but because he wanted to make sure it was acceptable to stop trying.

What went on in his mind was not a feeling of sadness, or fear, or helplessness. It was a familiar non-feeling. It was an awareness that something was absent- a something that did not leave a hole, but would have made the moment richer, or more important.

It was this awareness that kept him within bounds. That kept him from crossing over into the region of social disorder.

He went through the motions automatically. He didn’t realize that there was a faint beating where his fingertips touched his wrists and the color on his lips moved from purple to blush.

Then suddenly- he gasped for air, then coughing and then tears. His hands clutched him and he held out his arms, cradling him as he should.

“I thought I had lost you.”

“I felt my life passing before me.”

“I wouldn’t know what to do if you didn’t come to.”

“But I did. I’m here now. I love you.”

“Sure.”

It Could Be NightFall


As we lay on the grass,
your belly was my pillow.
I was reminiscing
as you checked on the news.
The sky was that in-between color of cold pink,
little particles of water vapor vex and touch us randomly-
stirring a wariness of a hesitant drizzle.

Your breath is steady
while mine is drowned in the sound of you,
the feel of every blade of grass,
tasting my skin through my clothes.

Now, I do not care for the filth.
I do not care for the myriad footsteps that trampled our bed.
I do not care for the
waste of pleasures consumed,
of moments stolen
and light beams evaded.

I see the past,
yes,
and how blurry it is
through my myopic memory.

The stars themselves could not decide
whether to shine or fade.
They twinkle,
like your eyes and mine.
They zoom,
however steady in the sky.
And they each hold a wish for you and me.
A promise once only
hung upon a tree.

Is the earth exhaling or is the sky breathing down on us?
Is the world turning
or do we drive it around?
Is that not my heart beating in your chest?
Is this not your warmth kindling my breast?

It could be night fall,
the crickets have assured it.
But it is only dawn.

And you are with me.

FETUS


All but love curls up into a ball
And bounces around you.
Red and light like a slightly heavy balloon
That bursts with deliberateness.

My fingers are restless:
Today, I drew a sad boy
In shades of black and dots of white-
For contrast.

All in the name of being your missus.
Missus my surname hyphen your surname.
Hyphens become demeaning,
Like a prolonged negative sign.

It is the eve of Christmas
And a turkey is roasting
In my imaginary womb,
Stuffing stuffing the turkey stuffing me.

And you, the proud father,
Wait across my virtual vagina
With anticipation
And of course, a carving knife.

I wheeze-wheeze-wheeeeze
As you cheer me on
Simultaneously salivating
And feeling light in the head.

One great push
And my foot skims hell.
I am ripped apart
And bring forth your feast.

The turkey is burnt
With dots of white- for contrast.
Today, you eat a sad boy.
His fingers are bitter.

The red ball bounces around you
And explodes with deliberateness.
Like a slightly heavy balloon,
Love curls up into a ball.

Ang Paraan Patungo sa Aking Puso


Ang paraan patungo sa aking puso
Ay madali.
Nagsisimula ito sa isang hakbang
Palayo.
Hinihila ito ng bigat,
Di gaya ng dinudulot ng mundo
Sa patak ng ulan,
Kundi ng sabaw
Sa kumakalam na tiyan.
Walang hinihintay na atang
Ang aking pag-ibig.
Bagkus, nabubuhay ito
Sa kahungkagan,
Sa iyong waring di-pagpansin,
Sa iyong pagsasawalang-bahala.
Ang damdamin ko’y di rosas
Na malamyos,
Na bumubukadkad
Sa pagtatalik ng hamog at sinag-araw.
Ito’y isang damong-ligaw
Na kusang umuusbong,
Nakikiapid,

Pumapatay.

Ang paraan patungo sa aking puso
Ay madali.
Ang paraan palayo
Ang may kahirapan.


 

Ang buhay, ika nga, ay parang tele-serye.

 Here’s a day in the life of Day and me.

 Introductions: Si Day, matagal ko nang bet na pinakilala sa akin ng bestfriend kong si Peewee, na ex ni Coco (7 years sila) na nakilala ko sa Singapore nung nagbakasyon ako dun two weeks ago.

 Day: Uy Coco really really really likes you…

 Doni: Of course he does. I remind him of Peewee.

 Day: Yey! Soon to be couple na ito!

 Doni: Nyek. May boyfriend na ko.

 Day: Kung ang asawa nga naaagaw boyfriend pa kaya? Hahaha.

 Doni: Ano ba, engaged din si Coco no. Adik to. Saka kung iiwanan ko yung boyfriend ko, para lang yun sayo. Hahaha.

Day: Engaged lang pala. I can ruin that engagement with just one snap of my finger. Anyway, sinong past time naman ‘yang sinasabi mong boyfriend?

Doni: Hindi siya past time at wala siya sa social radar mo dahil isa siyang outlier just like me. Bwahahahaha

Day: You said you’ll leave him for me, so he’s just an ‘effin past time.

Doni: I said that to humor you and because I know you’ll never want to end up with me… Duh…

Day: Weh. Ganun pa din ‘yun.

Doni: Think what you want, Day. Don’t be jealous.

Day: I’m not jealous babe. You already made me feel better earlier by saying that I’m the only person that can make you leave your boyfriend. And with that, I’m already satisfied. So no need for me to think much. I love you Doni. Mwah!

Doni: Hmmmmm… Hollow pathetic little lies. If you really want to get with me, then you should have. Now it’s too late. Too bad.

Day: Nah. What’s too bad is you’re with someone who happens to be just a past time. And you thinking that he’s not is the hollow pathetic little lie. And it will be too late for that guy to realize that. With that I rest my case. Peace!

Doni: What’s bad is that I’m with him instead of you. And you’ll never know how bad it is because you were never and won’t ever be with me. And it’s your fault. Don’t feel sorry for my man, Day. He gets to be loved by me.

Ang arte ko na.

Ang ganda ko pa.

(Pero iniisip ko kung ako ba talaga ang nanalo sa sagutan naming dalawa…)

For Ian


 

A coldness slumbers in my stomach.
Malaise journeys through my limbs,
Led by your inverted torch.

(To think I’ve never considered suicide-
Pride, maybe vanity.)

The world is a hollow place
That it begs adventure.
A lifelong game of hide and seek
With you, the dark cupid:
The never-ending sleep.

You are the cherub
Oft-spoken but never seen.

The tender,
Perverted youth
Of Night,
Come to me now,
Sword in sheath, black heart
And butterfly kisses.
Promising what I know to be nothing
But feel as everything-
Everything I always wanted.

This affliction,
My addiction,
This steep climb
To certainty.

That of my life, With you,
Condensing into these
Precise moments
Slipping through time.
Moments I’ve long conjured
In my mind.
And taken wing,
Fetching me with
swiftness and sweetness
Of concluding.

Loving you-
A lock of my hair
Falls upon
Your waiting palm-
Will be the end of me,

So let’s begin.

Click!

Shhh…


inspired by bjork

 

The blanket of Night.

I am caught in self-embrace.

Wonder where you are?

 

 

Cheerio, Boy


The rain pours out of a cardboard box
As I meet my destiny on the breakfast table
A clink-clink-clinking preludes the silent plop
Into a lake of frigid white-
Cheerio, boy.

Outside the sky is dark but tinted with incandescence
As the window slowly steadies from my
Vantage point. Your hair is a-tousle
And your covers are engraved upon your tear-puffed face.
Cheerio, boy.

You were so happy a week ago
You made her breakfast in bed.
While I was stowed away in the cupboard-
The wretched smell of bacon and toast and guilt.
Cheerio, boy.

Let alone that she labored as she ate.
She said she would have preferred me
And saved you the trouble. But you would have
None of it. You could do better- you were.
Cheerio, boy.

Breakfast forgives all inIdiscretions,
She confided. It was a plainness- or the wait-
The faded incandescence. She whispered
Fantasies to me. She told me she was leaving you.
Cheerio, boy.

I must admit I feared for my life
As you took your rage out on the counter
She looked on with anxiety- or was it fascination?
Which turned to disgust when you apologized.
Cheerio, boy.

It wasn’t plainness. It wasn’t the wait.
(She finally concluded that you were weak.)
The streetlamp exposes your soggy countenance.
The milk has turned lukewarm.
And I, now worthless, remained an untouched
Cheerio, boy

 

Seeing Mark


 

Venti Vanilla Tea Latte
White chino
Jeans
sneakers.

Was it a year?

Was it several lifetimes ago?

You look like you
Didn’t even see me coming.
You avoided my gaze,
I weighed the weight
Of sadness you’re bearing.

Grande Coffee Jelly
Black shirt
Jeans
Sneakers

It was a year.

It was several lifetimes ago.

You weren’t you
The way I see you now.
The one I let slip away,
I try to keep the welling
Air of possibility at bay.

So what’ve you been up to?
How are you doing now?

I fill each awkward gap
With stupid questions
Preludes to answers
I didn’t care to know.

They were set in place,
Like the foam on your latte,
To add interest
To the real question lying beneath.

I stroke the back of your hand
Deliberately.
I see you struggle not to tense it.
Pretending everything was fine
Pretending you weren’t cringing
On anticipated pain.

Do you hate me?

Folding the dollup of cream
Into my drink.

No hate,
You whispered
To the frothy crown,
Only hurt.

(Insert stupid question)

(Insert vacant answer)

I’ll walk you to work

We get up
And you walk right next to me
I hold on to your arm.

We leave our drinks,

Unfinished.