Tag Archive: scandal



On my way to work today, I saw a 15-foot billboard of the Mandaluyong City Ordinance against riding-in-tandem. Riding in tandem is the Filipino equivalent of a drive-by.

The said ordinance prohibits two males from riding the same motorcycle together, unless they are father and son. It sounds absurd, but wait till you see the pictures.

I remarked on the billboard and the taxi driver weighed in… (I’m paraphrasing)

He explained how terrible the problem of riding-in-tandem is. His neighbor, who was having coffee in front of his house one morning was shot 10 times on the head and face by two armed men on a motorcycle.

The two strangers rode up to the front of the house asked the neighbor what his name was and bang– (times ten)

Wait, there’s more…

The motive? The men were hired by a trader from whom the victim owed 8 sacks of charcoal. (that’s Php1,200/$30+) It’s so fascinating how some people can so arbitrarily assign a value on someone’s life. And because they do, seemingly absurd solutions turn into City Ordinances.

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Taking A Stand


In case you don’t know yet, a big part of my job has to do with meeting people and conducting administrative hearings. I administer discipline so I constantly have to go on meetings to talk about whether a person should be fired from work or not.

Got Wood?

Very serious, nerdy and stressful stuff.

These meetings usually happen at the end of the employees’ shifts so this is around 6AM onwards my time. This is usually the time I’m most active. And by active I mean real attentive, quick-witted, etc. etc.

Early mornings cause my body to awaken, in a way. The sun, softly letting it’s rays into the office window. The air in the morning is a tolerable combination of dew and smog. And since it is the end of the shift, people are excited and generally in a good mood.

That’s all well and good except for one major problem…

My massive boner.

Before the Perv Alert starts wailing in your brain, let me explain.

If you’re a guy, you probably know what I’m talking about. There is a physiological phenomenon called spontaneous erections. It’s a natural process that occurs mostly during puberty (yes, apparently I’m still pubescent, there is hope) or on certain days, when environmental conditions are ideal (and by environment I really mean the weather and nature.)

Since I wear slacks to work, I tend to arrange my junk a certain way so that it does not disrupt the “line” of my silhouette. If you’re a gay guy, you would know what I’m talking about.

I have an obsession about being streamlined. I hate so much when there are things bulging on my pockets (and elsewhere). I make sure that my underwear has enough tucking power to manage certain “things”.

But on busy 6AMs, it’s like someone stuck a vise down there, and I would be at wits end trying to sit a certain way or walk a certain way in the hopes of creating room for my Junjun to breathe. These maneuvers very often do not work, and I’ve had to scoot my seat under the desk and “handle things manually” to keep certain veins from popping and to ensure that bruising does not occur and consequently cause the ultimate demise of my precious gift.

Even then, in addition to ruining my “line,” it ends up hitting my belt buckle, further aggravating the situation.

There have been a number of times when I was called out to do something and I literally would have to count backwards from 30 or think of exposed brains or washing machines or brick walls to get it to subside.

The tragedy is that I feel certain people are already getting wind of this problem. There’s a guy at work who always schedules meetings with me at 6AM or thereabouts and he’s commented on my pants once or twice. (Normally, this would disturb me, but I kind of have a little crush on him so I let it pass.)

One time I was in a 630AM hearing, and it was for performance, I think. So I was asking the employee why he thought his scores were subpar for that period. He was very inaccessible during the session. It was difficult to get a response from him, he just kept looking down. So I said, “please don’t give me a hard time.” Then he smiled real creepy so I looked at the coach right next to me, crossed my legs and wrapped up the session.

I had to pretend writing something down as they were leaving the room because I couldn’t get up off my seat.

I bet 40 years from now I wish I would have this problem. The thing is, it’s just real bad timing right now. Plus, it hurts!!!

I haven’t gone to the laundry yet so I used up all my support underwear. Today I’m wearing boxerbriefs.

Note to self: Clear schedule from 6AM-7AM.

Death to Patience


 

He is sprawled helpless, whelmed beyond measure
Here on the field of fetid cotton sheets.
He ponders: was it love? Convenience?
Whatever the case, it doesn’t matter.
Pain and joy both syncopate his heartbeats.
The difference, he reckoned was patience.

And there was an endless supply. Patience
That days and distance can’t seem to measure.
But he can’t help from counting the heartbeats
That always hasten when rain drops in sheets.
Pretense and a hand offers convenience,
Stalls him for a while in viscuous matter.

Habit later becomes inconvenience,
Question marks hover testing his patience
Every gap in time begins to matter,
The treasure of pleasure failed to measure
Up to the emptiness between his sheets.
A drone instead of musical heartbeats.

What good is a heart when one’s own heart beats
For nothing? Certainly no convenience
Can expunge forever the empty sheets
Of his love story. Understand, patience
Has betrayed him of wealth without measure.
Abandoning the heart for gray matter.

He asks himself, “what the hell’s the matter?”
The mind cannot pulse as the quick heart beats.
Feelings make thoughts difficult to measure–
They refuse to settle for convenience.
The heart will destroy the walls of patience
What it seeks lies beyond these cotton sheets.

He takes a torch under the wretched sheets
The healing flames make nothing else matter
Flames of the arson put death to patience,
Music, at last, is heard in his heartbeats
The cotton mistakes and inconvenience
Have found their end in overdue measure.

He has left patience in the ashen sheets,
Figured that measure should not so matter.
Summoning heartbeats defies convenience.

Quiapo


 

Ilang kopi†a ng

Pampagana

Pampakipo†

Pampahaba a†

Pampa†ambok

Ang nabibili sa Quiapo bawa†

Linggo?

Ilang kapilya ang mapupuno ng

Mahalay na pelikula,

Mga dibuho ng mga

Adan a† Eba,

San†o’† San†i†a?

Ilang namamana†a

Ang †ikom na

Nagkakas†ahan

Sa loob ng mga mumurahing

Mo†el?

Ilang pu†a ang nebebendisyunan

Ng mapu†i a†

Malansang †amod?

Sabay sambi† ng

“Diyos ko po!”

Sa anino lang ng bahay ng

Nazareno.

Sobrang lapi†

Maaaring lakarin nang

Paluhod.

Ilayo mo po kami sa †ukso a†

Iadya mo kami sa laha† ng masama.

Kaninong awi† ng

Libog

Ang ikinukubli sa alingawngaw ng

Kampana?

Amen,

Amen a†

Amen.


 

Ang FM ko aaay…
I     F      eeeeeeeeeM! 
 

Ocubaonapo!LahatpongCubaolapit-lapitnaposapinto.

Clink!
CROOOOOOOOO-SSSIIIIINGIBABAW,BONITULAYBACLARAAAAAAAN!
Osigemakikiusognalangposagitna-o
Waglangpongharanganangpinto.
Clink-clink-clink!

Araaa-haaaay o kay hapdi
Nitong pu-so koooooh!

BUDGE NOT HONOR KEEP TIKET 4 INSPECTION 

Oyungmgabagongsakayho-o
Hops—makikiraanlangpo
Usogusoglangpobossparamakadaan
 
E puno na kasi pasakay pa kayo nang pasakay!

Malaki aaaang
Pag-ibiiig
Na inalay ko sa’yo-hooooh
Bakiiit ngayong ako-hoooy
Iniwanan mowo-hu-hooh? 

Para…

Boss, para!

PUTANGINA PARA NGA E, BINGE!

Clink!
Itatabilangpomasyadokayongmainit-e.
E ANG LAYO NA E!
Mahuhulipotayodiyanboss
Hindinamankayoangmalilintikan…
Clink-clink-clink!  BLAG! BLAG! BLAG!
SANDALI LANG
DI PA NGA NAKAKABABA
NANANADYA KA BA?!
Kontingbilislangboss.
KONTING BILIS E SIKSIKAN TONG BUS NYO GAGO!
Sus!Angartenamannito.

ANO?!

PU TANGINAMO!

GAGO!

GAGOKARIN!

Clink-clink-clink! 

Ayokonanoh!
Ayoko naaang
Humaraaaaahaaaaayyy!

Who-hoooh!
Aaaahhhyoko-hu-hoooong

Humaraaaayyy…