Tag Archive: jadedness


Birth


The sound of the chisel against these iron bars

Is tick-tock-tick-tock

Our meet-cute is a forty-minute cab ride away

Yet I remain imprisoned.

These metal arms that long embraced me

Have gained the warmth that my intent

Could never extract from your arms.

The sound of metal on metal

Keeps bouncing on my head

And sends me rocking forth and back

Like a baby.

 

This cell of anonymity is the womb that bears

My unborn love for you.

Why must it face the sun?

Why must it let out a cry?

Why must it be severed from the life-giving bosom?

 

My love is a parasite.

It must latch on.

 

Destiny contracts.

Stronger and shorter in between.

Flesh and blood are the delicate

Tendrils that root me in imagination.

 

Time and the tide of my emotion

Will thrust me into reality–

 

Stillborn.

Drugs


Move with ease, the heart contains a thunderbolt: exciteable and exciting and exacting like Zeus’ cleaver.

It draws a void across my heart to bring you forth– my half, my other, myocardia.

Let the zephyr of my daydreams take you away, the nights in my day, permanent fantasy.

I will steal fire and let it burn on my hand to light you up, my forbidden man.

I blaze.
I glow.
I ash
And disappear

Goodnights


The wind machine drones off into a lullaby
and my weary eyes have met the force of gravity.

Your image is projected on my eyelids

and my mind knows it will find no sleep.

You ask me why i never lay beside you,
why i never lie at all.

And i know you know it’s for fear of dreaming,
because awake we do live on.

I crave your every meaningless expression–
The affected effort to touch my heart.

The words uttered with
meaning escaping,

and leaving the nasal baritone as proof.

You do have eyes for me.

And your mouth and feet,
they seem to follow.

Never your hands.

And never my eyes.

You stand ever so close,
Fists clenched.
And i stay
Eyes unflinched.


 

Ang buhay, ika nga, ay parang tele-serye.

 Here’s a day in the life of Day and me.

 Introductions: Si Day, matagal ko nang bet na pinakilala sa akin ng bestfriend kong si Peewee, na ex ni Coco (7 years sila) na nakilala ko sa Singapore nung nagbakasyon ako dun two weeks ago.

 Day: Uy Coco really really really likes you…

 Doni: Of course he does. I remind him of Peewee.

 Day: Yey! Soon to be couple na ito!

 Doni: Nyek. May boyfriend na ko.

 Day: Kung ang asawa nga naaagaw boyfriend pa kaya? Hahaha.

 Doni: Ano ba, engaged din si Coco no. Adik to. Saka kung iiwanan ko yung boyfriend ko, para lang yun sayo. Hahaha.

Day: Engaged lang pala. I can ruin that engagement with just one snap of my finger. Anyway, sinong past time naman ‘yang sinasabi mong boyfriend?

Doni: Hindi siya past time at wala siya sa social radar mo dahil isa siyang outlier just like me. Bwahahahaha

Day: You said you’ll leave him for me, so he’s just an ‘effin past time.

Doni: I said that to humor you and because I know you’ll never want to end up with me… Duh…

Day: Weh. Ganun pa din ‘yun.

Doni: Think what you want, Day. Don’t be jealous.

Day: I’m not jealous babe. You already made me feel better earlier by saying that I’m the only person that can make you leave your boyfriend. And with that, I’m already satisfied. So no need for me to think much. I love you Doni. Mwah!

Doni: Hmmmmm… Hollow pathetic little lies. If you really want to get with me, then you should have. Now it’s too late. Too bad.

Day: Nah. What’s too bad is you’re with someone who happens to be just a past time. And you thinking that he’s not is the hollow pathetic little lie. And it will be too late for that guy to realize that. With that I rest my case. Peace!

Doni: What’s bad is that I’m with him instead of you. And you’ll never know how bad it is because you were never and won’t ever be with me. And it’s your fault. Don’t feel sorry for my man, Day. He gets to be loved by me.

Ang arte ko na.

Ang ganda ko pa.

(Pero iniisip ko kung ako ba talaga ang nanalo sa sagutan naming dalawa…)

To Judy


Judy,
We’re at the point where
I wake up in the
Morn and know
Exactly where you are,
Which turns a great glowing
Sign
In my head that says
STEER CLEAR

Judy,credits to:http://rookery.s3.amazonaws.com/864500/864835_2415_625x1000.jpg
You must know that I love you.
No less than I loved you
When I first met you.

Judy,
The days roll by and every one
Of them is squeezing more
And more of this that
I used to have enough
of for you.
But I can only make so much
Love in one day.

Judy,
When did your warmth
Turn to heat?
Or when did I start
Craving the cold?
We’re getting old

Judy,
We/Us/This
Is getting old.

Judy,
Why do you never do
What they do on TV?
Emancipate.
Liberate yourself.

Judy,
Is it not enough to say
That we were happy?
We were happy.
We’re not happy,
It’s enough to say.

Judy,
Your words are all over breakfast
Are all over the kitchen table
Are all over the floor
Like the dust
That’s blowing into
That open door.

Judy,
It’s stirring the threads
Of steam on the coffee.
Wake up Judy!

“Breakfast was lovely, Judy.”
Now give me a kiss goodbye
And ask me what I want for supper.

Morning After


 

Naked:
I pick your clothes
As I sift through the ruble
On the floor
Separating yours from mine
Noting the spot
On the carpet
Tainted wine.
The stench of cigarettes
Invade my mind
With that gaze you made
That beckoned me
The bump and brush
That signalled the beginning
Of all these on the floor
In your bed
In my head
I wish my ease had not misled
You to think
That I would dread
To wake up next to you
Every awkward hour
From today.
I fold your clothes
And stack them neat
While you dream an else
In your deep sleep
I put on mine
Without a peep
And take my leave.
Something else is beginning
With each step I’m taking
This possibility I’m holding
Of us
Of you
Waking
And seeing the magnitude
of my pining,
Stacked at the foot of your bed.
I wish you’d see
That I could be
The one you’re dreaming of
Instead.

Villanelle: Almost Another Chance


 

The past returns to us tonight,
Beside you in my lonesome bed.
I wish the past had seen delight.

When you told me we don’t feel right
You were just too broken, you said
The past returns to us tonight.

Wished I could make you see the light
I found in you when we started.
I wish the past had seen delight.

It would have been a lovely sight
Your heart in my hand all mended
The past returns to us tonight.

I’ll be the one who’d hold you tight
You chose to be alone instead.
I wish the past had seen delight.

Now all we have is this one night
But you have left me too wounded.
The past returns to us tonight,
I wish the past had seen delight.

Farther


 

If along the way
Of you leaving me
You pause
And think if the next step
Is a step farther away
And not closer,
As you hoped
To your happiness–
Do not look back.

I cannot guarantee
That I will not beckon.

And,
If it so happens
That you felt yourself
Farther,
At that moment,
Keep walking.

Keep walking
Until you find me.

Until you have gone so far
That you are behind me.

So that I may consider–
As I hope you are–
If I should look back.

Traceless


 

I
Summon gravity to the interstices
Of my unraveling.
Mass does produce only as minute
A cohesive force as the silky strands
Of my sanity.
My words
Like my feelings
Intermingle and confuse and pollute
Fray at the ends.

I,I
Paint myself on paper
To bind my mind
As a rope
It goes around my neck
A guillotine

Losing
Losing air.

As air is emptiness
Emptiness escapes me
Neither filled

A vacuum.

I,I,I
Implode.

Traceless.

Unang Hilik


Kanina,
Matapos ang ilang araw nang walang
Balita mula sa ‘yo
Walang ha
Ni ho
Tumunog ang telepono ko
Mensahe mula sa’yo: 
 
Papunta na ko jan baby
Sira cp ko
Hintayin mo ko sa baba. 
 
Nagdalawang isip ang puso ko
Pipintig o
Malulusaw? 
Ito ang araw na aaabangan kita
Sa pintuan
Dala ang mga gamit na iniwan mo
Sa aking aparador
Ang mabilis
At walang kabig na pamamaalam
Sinosoli ko na ang kandila mong
Upos.
Pundido. 
 
Nguni’t di napigil
Ang puso kong tanga
Na naghihintay
Sa baba ng gusali
Sa tapat ng pila ng traysikel
Pinagtitinginan ng mga usiserong
Kapitbahay
Hithit-buga sa ikatlong yosi
 
Inaantok.
 
Umaasa.
 
Naghihintay sa’yo
Naghihintay sa wala.
 
Natapos ang tatlong magdamag
Dumating kang
Nababalot ng libog
At ng halimuyak ng
Kawalang-muwang.
 
Ang matulog sana sa tabi mo
Ang aking kunswelo
De bobo.
 
Pinalitan mo ng mga halik
Ang dapat sana’y hilik
Na hindi mamutawi
Dahil natatakpan
Ng iyong mura
At nag-iinit na katawan
Na bumabayo
Sa aking katahimikan. 
 
Ang pakikipagbaratan,
Wag muna ngayon-
Sige na-
Gusto ko lang matulog-
Wala na akong suot,
Nauwi sa barurutan.
Di mo alintanang
Nagdurugo ako. 
 
Natapos kang kumikislot
Hinihingal
Nakahandusay ka
Sa aking kama.
 
Kay sarap tamnan
Ng patalim ng
Iyong hunkag na dibdib. 
 
Mahal mo ba ako?
Huh?
Mahal mo ba ako?
Oo.
Sabihin mo.
I love you.
Tangina mo. 
 
Nagpahatid ka na sa baba
Gaya ng puso mo
Nahungkag ang kuwarto ko. 
 
Hilik. 
 
Hilik. 
 
Hilik. 
 
Mas matamis ang halik
Ng pag-iisa.